Sometimes I wanted to rip the thoughts out of my head.  Sometimes it seemed that the silence would be easier than having to deal with my memories and the sadness they held. 

My family was horrible.  They were unloving, uncaring, intolerant, and prejudiced people.  Most of the time, at least when I was at Hogwarts, I could just…accept that and not think about them.  Sometimes, though, something would happen that would remind me of one of the many terrible events in my childhood, or even of one of the precious few good ones, and I wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about my family.  No matter how much I wanted to, no matter how hard I tried.

And I had tried so hard today.   I had tried to distract myself and failed.

“I don’t see why you care so much about it; it’s not like he’s ever given you reason to expect any different,” James stated as seamlessly as if he had been continuing a conversation and not starting one.   

Slowly, I turned to look at him.  He was hurriedly preparing to turn in, dumping everything on his bed into a haphazard pile on the floor.  He wasn’t watching me and didn’t even appear to be awaiting my response.  In fact, if I hadn’t heard the statement myself I wouldn’t have thought he had said anything at all.

“What?” I asked irritably.  I knew what he was talking about but was so surprised by his comment that I had to hear him say it.

“Your brother,” he clarified.  “I heard what he said this morning.  I don’t see why it’s bothering you so much.”

I was completely dumbfounded.  Was he daft?  How could he even think such a thing?  James was brilliant but sometimes he could be completely oblivious to the moods of others.  By now I was used to it.  This, though… How insensitive could he be to actually believe that I had no reason to be…hurt?  Had he actually bothered to listen to Regulus’ words and think about how they might have affected me?

“Maybe if you actually stopped to realize that not everyone is exactly like you, you’d be able to answer your own question,” I snapped despite myself.  Getting angry wasn’t going to make any of this easier but I couldn’t help it.

Finally, he shifted away from his bed and faced me.  “What’s that supposed to mean?” he demanded, sounding infuriatingly accusatory.

“That not everyone has your perfect family and maybe you should realize that you can’t judge everything by looking at it in relation to your own perfect life.”  I sighed.  What was wrong with him?  James wasn’t usually this…dense. 

“It’s not my fault that my parents are actually decent,” he shot back.

“Of course not, but you don’t make much of an effort to see things from another point of view.”  Why was I doing this?  James’ parents were wonderful.  They had accepted me into their family in a way that my own family never had.  It wasn’t that I resented him.  There was something though… Why did Prongs have such great parents when I had such despicable ones?

I had never let on, though.  I had never made an issue of it because I knew that James was right.  He had a terrific family.  I had a terrible one.  It was just the cards that we had been dealt.  Neither of us had chosen our parents.  I couldn’t blame him for it.  And I didn’t.  I just…sometimes felt that James didn’t appreciate his good fortune and it annoyed me. 

Why was this frustration coming out now, though?  This was no time to get into an argument.  Not after what I had heard this morning.  Especially not when tomorrow was…

“There are things you just can’t understand,” I added quietly but not quietly enough for him not to hear.

“And Remus can?” he challenged loudly.  As soon as he said it, mortification flashed in his eyes.  He even shook his head slightly, as if trying to tell me that he hadn’t meant to ask the question, hadn’t wanted to, and that he wished he could take the words back.  Words could never be ‘taken back,’ though.

I knew I should let it go.  I knew I should accept that he had spoken without thinking and grant him this rescindment but he had meant it and I couldn’t forget that he had said it.  “What are you talking about?

“How is it that you and I are ‘best friends’ but whenever something’s bothering you, Remus is the one you turn to?”  He sounded angry but it was obvious that he was more jealous than he was anything else.

I closed my eyes briefly.  I didn’t have time for this.  I couldn’t deal with this right now, I didn’t want to.  Regulus’ words had taken everything out of me.  “Unbelievable,” I hissed under my breath.  James had never mentioned this before.  Why now?  “What else do you expect?  It’s not like you’d ever listen.”

“I asked you earlier what was wrong,” he protested defensively.

“Yeah,” I agreed, “and then you were annoyed that I didn’t want to talk about it.”  Climbing to my feet, I made my way to the dormitory door.  “You asked if Remus ‘understands.’  No, he doesn’t.  He doesn’t understand what it was like for me at home.  But you know what, James?  He doesn’t have to.”

I didn’t give him a chance to reply.  Having said that, I left, slamming the door behind me and storming into the common room.  I could feel the eyes of some of my fellow Gryffindors following me but I ignored them, just as I ignored their whispers.  Obviously they had heard some of the argument.  I didn’t care.  Let them think whatever they wanted and spread whatever rumors they wanted.

Sinking into a chair in front of the fire, I buried my face in my hands.

I couldn’t believe him!  What was his problem?  He had never seemed bothered by how close Remus and I had grown.  Or had he?  Had he always been jealous and I had simply never picked up on it?  Did it even matter when it had started?  Obviously he did have a problem with it.  But why?  Didn’t I have the right to have more than one good friend?

My temples ached.  The dull, consistent pulses of pain did not distract me from my anger and sorrow, they only amplified it.  Wonderful.  A headache.  This was all I needed.

~~~~~

I stayed in the common room for hours, long after the other students had returned to their dormitories.  I wanted to be sure that James would be asleep by the time I entered.  I wasn’t in the mood for another confrontation and I knew that if he was awake he would try and talk to me.  It wasn’t like James to leave an argument unfinished.

It was almost four in the morning when I finally left my seat and slowly crept into the room that I shared with my fellow Marauders.  Remus wasn’t here – I hadn’t seen him all night – but Peter’s snoring greeted me as I kicked off my shoes and climbed onto my bed.  I needed to try and get some sleep, even though I knew it would be useless. 

I gave it about an hour – an hour of staring at the ceiling – before giving it up for lost.  There was just no way to calm my sorrow or still my mind.  It wasn’t just what he had said to me this morning.  It was all the nasty things he had ever said to me.  They just repeated over and over and I couldn’t chase them away.

// ”Back off Sirius, I don’t want you or your Mudblood-loving friend near me.” //

// “I won’t shed any tears if you, the Mudbloods, and all your sympathizers are…eliminated.  The Wizarding world would be better off for it.” //

// You keep wondering what’s wrong with us, don’t you?  Have you ever thought that maybe you’re looking at it the wrong way?  You’re the only one in our family that doesn’t get it, Sirius.  Maybe there’s something wrong with you.” //

“Sirius?”

Jumping at the suddenness with which the silence was breached, I dragged my gaze away from the window and towards the entrance to our dormitory.  Remus was standing in the doorway, holding a small lantern that did very little to eradicate the darkness that permeated the room. 

“Yeah,” I replied so quietly that I didn’t think he could have heard me.

“What’s wrong?” he asked softly, walking over to his bed.

Pulling my legs up against my chest, I shifted away from the window entirely.  Now that Remus was closer I could see that he had a couple of textbooks wrapped under one arm and that his worn clothes were rather wrinkled.  He seemed tired.

“Have you been studying all this time?” I ignored his question.

“The full moon’s tomorrow.”  His voice was almost brisk.  As he spoke he set the books down on his nightstand.

Right.  Remus always tried to work ahead before each full moon so that he wouldn’t have to do homework on the days following his transformations.  He was so tired and sore that it was hard enough for him to even attend class.

“I know,” I whispered.

Silently, my friend stripped out of his robes.  Then, with a carelessness that showed how exhausted he was, he tossed them onto the floor next to his bed.  Normally, Remus was obsessively neat and would have either folded and stored the clothes in his dresser or put them in the bin with the rest of his dirty laundry.

Reaching under his pillow, he grabbed his pajamas and pulled them on.  When he finished changing he sat down on his bed so that he was facing me.

“It’s nearly five in the morning, Sirius,” he probed tentatively, watching me with concern in his eyes.

I stared at him in silence.

When it became obvious that I wasn’t going to give him an immediate response, he extinguished his lantern.  For a few moments, everything was obscured by shadow.  Even when my eyes adjusted I could barely make Remus out, sitting less than five feet across from me.

I sighed.  If I said I was fine, or even if I didn’t answer, Remus would accept that.  He would say goodnight and go to sleep.  He wouldn’t push or demand to know why I was so obviously depressed.  He would leave me be, if I wanted.

Did I want him to?

I wasn’t sure.  I didn’t really want to talk about what was bothering me.  It was hard for me to think about my family.  It was hard for me to tell anyone about them, even Remus, who was so undemanding and accepting.  If I didn’t say anything, though, I would just sit here, unable to sleep, until sunrise.  I had to get this out of my head.  I didn’t want to keep thinking about this, keep being bothered by it. 

“Goodnight, Sirius,” Remus interrupted my thoughts, voice worried, gentle, and understanding.  As always.

In the dim lighting that the nearly full moon provided, I could tell that he had swung his legs up onto the mattress and lay down on his back.  He wasn’t trying to fall asleep.  I knew he wasn’t.  He would wait a few more minutes; he would wait and see if I wanted to explain.

I closed my eyes.  Talking to Moony always helped.  He never forced himself to offer advice about something he didn’t understand.  He never dismissed my troubles as if they were trivial even though, in relation to his own, they probably were.  He never judged.  He just listened.  And he would listen to me now.  It was just a matter of finding the words, of forcing myself to say them. 

“My parents don’t celebrate birthdays,” I spoke, finally.

Remus didn’t say anything.  I could hear him moving, though.  It was so quiet in the dormitory that even the sound of socks against the smooth floor was audible.  When I felt the bed dip, I knew that he was sitting next to me.  Waiting.

I smiled very slightly.  That was Remus.  Always willing to help a friend.

When I opened my eyes I found myself looking at Moony’s face.  Even in the obscurity I could see the compassion reflected there.  It helped.  It didn’t make me feel better but it helped.

I was about to continue when the creaking of a mattress – either James’ or Peter’s – reminded me that we were not alone.  Though our fellow Marauders could sleep through just about anything, I didn’t want to worry about them waking up and overhearing my words.

As if reading my mind, Remus raised his wand and murmured a silencing charm, setting its perimeter to extend beyond the bed.  He and I would be able to hear each other but James and Peter wouldn’t even realize that we were speaking.

Nodding my thanks, I forced myself to keep talking.  “When I was little, I didn’t even know that anyone celebrated birthdays.  It wasn’t until James invited me over to his parents’ house for one of his birthdays that I realized.”  My lips curled at the memory.  “His mum and dad cooked his favorite meal…baked him a cake, and organized all sorts of games for us to play.”

I’d had so much fun that day.  So much fun.

“The next day, I remember suggesting to my parents that we have a party to celebrate my brother’s birthday.  They said no, of course.  So I decided to do something on my own and…bake a cake for him.”

I waited for the joke, for Remus’ teasing remarks about me making any food that resembled, well, food… They never came.  I should have known better.  He wasn’t about to joke about something that was obviously bothering me, even if he didn’t understand why.

“Knowing that my parents would never approve, I got up early the day of Regulus’ birthday – earlier than anyone should ever wake up.  Armed with a recipe and various ingredients – which James’ mum was kind enough to give me – I snuck into the kitchen.  Not too long later, I had a cake.  It turned out surprisingly good, especially since I was so little.”  I chuckled, remembering the slightly misshapen thing.  “It actually rose…for the most part.  Even though the frosting looked like it had been thrown on, I was…proud of myself.  And happy.”  My voice caught on the last word and I paused, embarrassed. 

This was a good memory.  One of the best ones I had of…home.  It was just so hard to remember because of everything that had happened since then.  “I ran upstairs and woke my brother up.  He was a little grouchy at first but after I dragged him out of bed and showed him the cake, he was thrilled,” I continued shakily. “Between the two of us, we devoured it.  My parents were never the wiser.

“A few months later, he surprised me by returning the favor on my birthday.  His cake was hardly eatable but…I didn’t care.”  I had barely even noticed because it simply hadn’t mattered.

“So, for a little while, we had this tradition.”  It had been something we could share.  Something secret that my parents couldn’t intrude on.  Something special.  Something I had clung to while everything had fallen apart between my mother, father, and me.  Then…everything had fallen apart between my brother and me as well because…he had become just like them.  Ever my parents’ star child, he had turned against me.  Disgusted by my leniency with ‘Mudbloods’, he had–

// ”Regulus…isn’t your brother the one that always goes around with Potter?”

“I don’t know what you mean.  I don’t have a brother. //

–disowned me.

I sighed, closing my eyes.  I couldn’t do this.  I couldn’t explain this to Remus.  I didn’t know how.  I didn’t know how to describe how I felt every time I passed Regulus in the corridors and he…pretended he didn’t know me.  I couldn’t describe how the silence between us cut me.  I just couldn’t.

And I couldn’t get those words out of me head.  I had heard them by accident, walking by the Slytherin table on the way out of the Great Hall.  Some Slytherin had asked Regulus about me and he–

// ”I don’t know what you mean.  I don’t have a brother. //

I hadn’t meant to listen.  When I heard the question, I hadn’t meant to stay and listen to my brother’s response.  I hadn’t been able to help myself, though.  I had needed to.  I had already known because he never spoke to me, even at home but…I had needed to hear it.

And now I couldn’t get it out of my mind.  Especially today.  Especially now, when, years ago, I would have been baking him a chocolate cake.

 “And then there’s James.”  Changing the subject was the only way I knew to distract myself from what was really bothering me.  After explaining all of this I just had to think about something else, talk about something else.  It was easier than repeating those words, than telling him why it was hitting me so hard today.

Remus cocked an eyebrow but said nothing at my abrupt shift in the conversation.

“He doesn’t know how to back off,” I continued, putting an annoyance into my voice that I didn’t feel anymore.  My anger towards James had long since worn of.  It was easer to pretend otherwise, though.  “When something’s bothering me and I don’t want to tell him what, he can’t just leave it alone.  He resents that I’ll tell you, as if he makes it so easy to talk to him about my family.”

He didn’t speak immediately.  I wasn’t sure whether he was reasoning out what he wanted to say or waiting for me to keep talking.  When, after about a minute, he did speak, it wasn’t what I was expecting.  “Andrew,” he said simply.

“Andrew?” I repeated.  That was a name I hadn’t heard in a long time.  Why was he bringing Andrew up?  Andrew had nothing whatsoever to do with anything I had told him.

Even as I thought that I realized that it wasn’t true.  Andrew was in the same year as us.  He had only attended Hogwarts for two years before his parents moved him to another school.  I hadn’t known him very well – he had been in Ravenclaw – but he and James had worked together on an assignment for Potions.  They had hung out a great deal even after they had finished the project.  It had…bothered me.  I hadn’t liked it.  I had resented Andrew.  It hadn’t made sense – James and I were like brothers – but I hadn’t been able to help it.

I sighed.  This was Remus’ way of telling me to cut Prongs some slack.  I had to admit it was good advice.  I had let the situation with my brother make me short-tempered.  James had been an insufferable prat but I had overreacted.  He wasn’t always understanding or easy to talk to about certain things.  That was okay.  I could deal with that.  And if he was jealous…that was okay too.  He probably even realized how ridiculous it was.  It wasn’t like he let it affect the way he treated Remus.  They were friends.  Good friends.  His resentment of Moony was probably like my annoyance regarding him and his family: something that lurked in our thoughts but rarely ever surfaced.

As long as I didn’t blow it into something bigger than it had to be, everything would be all right.  James wasn’t one to drop a disagreement if he hadn’t said everything that was on his mind but… Tonight he had said some things he hadn’t wanted to.  Now that I thought more about it, I knew he would let this rest.  There was no reason to create a problem out of something that could be a non-issue.

By sometime tomorrow, things would be okay between us.  He and I rarely ever apologized to each other, at least not in the sense of actually saying the words, but we had never had to either.  When we disagreed it was usually a storm that hit hard but passed quickly.  This was no different.  There might still be underlying issues we had to deal with but they would work themselves out in time.  At least, they always had before.

Unfortunately, that was more than I could say about Regulus and me.

Remus didn’t speak again.  Now I knew that he was waiting.  Waiting to see if I would go back to what was really bothering me.  It would be okay if I didn’t but…it would mean constantly thinking about it for the rest of the day.  Saying it would help get it off my mind and Remus…somehow, Remus always found a way to help.

“It’s his birthday today,” I whispered, knowing I didn’t have to elaborate on whose birthday it was.  “It’s always…”  I shook my head helplessly.

“Hard?” Moony supplied kindly.

I nodded.  “I remember how things…used to be.  It’s worse than normal though.  This morning…or rather, yesterday morning by now, he said that… He basically said that I’m nothing to him.”  It was easier than repeating his actual words and it was as close as I could get.

I felt a hand on my wrist.  Remus didn’t try and say something to make me feel better and I appreciated it.  I appreciated it more than meaningless words of sympathy.  He knew he could never understand how I felt about my family.  Just as I could never understand what it was like to be a werewolf.  All he could do – all we could ever do for each other – was try to help.

“Sirius, come with me,” he requested quietly.

It wasn’t what I had expected.  Surprised, I met his eyes.  “What?”

“Please,” he said, “trust me.”

“You’re not coming with us, are you?” James asked as soon as Peter and Remus left the dormitory, saying that they would wait for him in the common room.

I shook my head.  “I know that we were going to pick out presents for your parents today but…” I shrugged.  Technically, I still wasn’t supposed to leave the castle on the weekends or after class but the Potters’ anniversary was coming up and I had decided that buying them gifts was worth sneaking out for.

“We can go next weekend,” James assured me, eyes intent and serious.  “Do you…er…want me to stay?  This is…a difficult day for you.  I know we’ve never talked about it but…” He sighed.  He obviously had no idea what to say but I appreciated that he was trying.

“I know I can be a git sometimes and that I’m not the best listener,” he continued, “I mean…I can’t just listen like Remus can…but…”

“Thank you, James,” I decided to be merciful and interrupt him.  “But I’ll be okay.”

He nodded but I could see the uncertainty in his eyes.  “He’ll stay, you know.”

“Excuse me?” I asked, not at all getting his meaning.

He smiled.  “Remus.  He’ll stay, if you ask him to.”

Oh.  Right.  “I’m sure he would but I’m not going to ask.  Things just aren’t the same anymore.  You know how it is.”  If I asked him it would be forced and I didn’t want that.  I wanted him to stay because he chose to, not because he was trying to mend our friendship.  That would only remind me of how things had been before.  For it to feel right, he’d have to want to stay.

“Maybe you can talk to him later, then,” he suggested.  “You should, you know.”

Surprised, I repeated his last words.  “I should…?”

He nodded, “Yeah.  I know that you feel like you can talk to him when…things are on your mind.  I know you still tell him stuff about your family that you don’t tell me.  I mean…it doesn’t exactly bother me anymore.”

I shot him a questioning look.

“It used to,” he admitted slowly, “I’m sure you remember last year…” he smiled regretfully. “I mean, I used to think that…you and I are best mates, you should tell me all the things you tell him about your family.  All friendships are different, though.  There are things you tell Remus that you don’t tell me and I’m sure that are things you tell me that you don’t tell him.”  He shrugged.  “In the end it doesn’t really matter.”

I didn’t know what to say.  I hadn’t expected him to be this understanding.  It hadn’t really come up since last year – mostly because I hadn’t known how to reassure him and had been too embarrassed to try – but I hadn’t thought his opinions would have changed so drastically.  Obviously, he’d made an effort to change them.

“Hey!” James and I both jumped when Peter ran in the room shouting and clearly excited about something.  “You guys should have been there!  It was hysterical!”

Wormtail was evidently waiting for one of us to prompt him to continue but neither James nor I acknowledged him.  I was a little annoyed at having this conversation interrupted and I could tell that Prongs was as well.

“Guys?” Peter probed.

“We’re supposed to meet up for lunch at the burger place.  Maybe, if you’re…looking for a distraction, you can join us.”

I nodded noncommittally.  I didn’t want to dismiss it out of hand but I knew that I wouldn’t feel like it.

Peter, seeing that neither one of us was at all interested in his story, went to find a more receptive audience, leaving James and I alone.  The moment had been lost though and I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say to him, if anything.  I let the quiet linger.

After a long while, James fidgeted and said, “I’ll see you when we get back, then.”  He knew I wouldn’t be there for lunch

“Yeah,” I agreed, watching in silence as he left the room.